First, and Second, Thoughts?

It's been a long time since I blogged here, but this is the only place I can really make this entry. It might even simply be an exercise in catharsis...

I'm currently wrestling with the possibilities of a job move. I've made no secret of my desire for a Full Time HE Chaplaincy post, and was interviewed for one last year that, obviously, did not come to pass. Now I have another one coming up later this week. And, of course, I'm torn. It looks like a good post, with lots of potential in the best sense (i.e. a solid base to build upon and move on, rather than simply somewhere with lots of problems). It would cause my "career path" to move in a very distinct direction, away from the needs of running a church, or being too hidebound to a denomination, even into a notional 5 day week. Even if that last should be treated with caution, being absolved from having to steer a church, and with all the expectations of parish ministry, is a big plus. It would not only mean a move, with all the dislocation for the whole family that it entails, but renting or buying our own property.

None of these things are, in themselves major problems. They are not deal-breakers. At the same time I know that my Good Lady Wife is very happy here, all the more so since leaving my church to go somewhere else - and it has had major benefits for me, and our relationship. Likewise the children are settled. I still love my Uni post, and feel that things are really beginning to go places now, that I've got the connections and experience of the place that really count. And the parish? Well, it remains the weak point, the area I'm least motivated in, feel the least comfortable, least happy and in many ways the least effective (although I love the contact work with those on the fringes and in the schools). All in all I suppose that means I could be a lot unhappier. (Maybe I'm just resigned to my fate, in the parish at least).

I still can't hide the desire for the FT Chaplaincy, and this is a very good opportunity. All I can do is go and see, do my best at interview and presentation, and try to discern the best way ahead. When I start thinking about it I do find the prospect exciting, but I can't say I'm jumping up and down saying "this is mine! I really want this!"

We said 5-7 years here, and we haven't quite reached the lower limit. At the same time, these opportunities don't come up every day and I really don't want to have to move children from Secondary Schools, which gives us a deadline, if not an imminent one. My worst fear is to be stuck in this post and not be able to escape. Ideally, of course, I'd like to be able to lose one half of my role and for the other to be full-time, but although I believe in miracles, I think that's a miracle too far! Even then I can't hide the fact it would make a lot of sense to move further north, on many counts.

So, all in all, it's a little confusing a present. If you're the praying type, then prayers would be appreciated, and if not, I suspect you'll understand how I feel about this anyway.

All I can ask is that I will have a clear answer after Friday. Whether it's a polite refusal, a definite offer and a real feeling of rightness, or a definite feeling of "no, this isn't for me!"

Catharsis? A definite maybe!

Rhetorical Question

If I really dislike this part of the job so much, why do I keep doing it?

Possible answer factors include, faithfulness (however unwilling), family, and lack of clear alternative (including the truth of possible homelessness!).

Needed saying. :(

Being ill and being human

So I foolishly went into work yesterday after a bad night full of phlegm and with a head like a pumpkin, a sort of Jack'o'Bear in a clerical collar. And after sitting, feeling uncomfortably warm in the office (and drinking tea, which is also a telling sign from this coffee-powered man), sneezing forcefully enough to send the castored-chair flying backwards, decided to head home, even deciding to miss an important meeting that evening.

Upon my arrival home I was sent to bed, and I'm glad I did what I was told. Then today, after another poor night and the same symptoms, I had to make the hard decision to say I shall not be at church, cancelling one service and dropping the other on my churchwardens.

And now, of course, although I'm definitely unwell, I feel something of a fraud. I've been able to do some desk work, and can concentrate on this and so forth. The two essential trips I've made today (both short distances on foot) have proved that I'm under par. Not so much a high temperature or headache, but slightly-reduced lung capacity. (And yes, I know that is something to watch out for with H1N1 too... not that I trust the various remote forms of diagnosis, especially after reading a recent New Scientist article.)

Add to that I've found a desire to be creative again (possibly arising from taking things easy for the last two weeks and the subsequent mid-week "week-end") - maybe even this blog has something to do with it. I find that I'm missing my old Geofiction haunt Eshraval too. I dropped out of that because I was finding myself unable to sustain the activity level needed (although nobody else seemed to worry about it!) So a I feel like I'm suffering from a sort of Chronic Creativity Deficit.

But, to get to the point, why do I feel a fraud? I decided to cancel appointments today, and on the strength of how I felt this morning it was right to withdraw from church services tomorrow. I still had to do a full morning of work, at least some of the stuff that had to be done. Why do I find it difficult to acknowledge the wisdom of stopping a while? Perhaps I just have an inflated sense of duty? I certainly feel that many folks in equvalent posts seem to work so much harder. Or is that just a reflection of tiredness?

Anyway, a blog post, and a real one, rather than humour. Which reminds me, I had a Poppleton moment some time back. I wonder if I can remember what it was? :)